"*Nobody* cares about that. Relax, it was funny. "Plus, Talen can do no wrong... - Turkeyphant "A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God." - Anonymous "A few days before he died, the ailing Henry gave his son the "kiss of peace," but hissed in his ear: "God grant that I may not die until I have had my revenge on you." Richard, by now the eldest son, showed no emotion at his father's funeral." - Bob Macfie, recounting the life story of Richard the Lion-Hearted "A guy pointing out how many, many things are really stupid? What's not to like?" - Chris McNeil, on seanbaby.com "Abbatoir: A beautiful word for such an ugly thing. I love it." - Chris McNeil, improving his wordpower "Ah sequins, how you inspire fear and pants-wetting in my enemies." - murlainn "Ah so. You have two computers?" "I have seven." "... I loathe you." "That's the exact same reaction Fox had." - Blade and Talen "Ah, well, I'm not that scary...ask Tal... ah, wait... ask Bob or Blade." - Arissa, hedging her bets "Ah...finally NORMAL kids...in a NORMAL relationship... kind of nice." "Perhaps you didn't know. Mutsuki is a pedophile." - Shizuka and Joseph Sutedja "All of this is open to narrative imperativity." "Yeah, but try make it feasible, or at least have a good bullshitting session beforehand." - Jason Heavensrun and Rick Hall "Allow me to help your banter-deprived ass. Two, four, six, eight Choke on your own blood. Okay, it needs work." - Maggie, Art School Girls "Ammonia isn't a herb..." "It's not, this is true. Neither is my left foot." "Indeed. My _right_ foot is, but that's incidental." - Jon 'O-Jin' Rowbottom and Talen "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog; nobody enjoys it and the frog dies." - Anonymous "And all this is thanks to me being unable to draw a nipple." - Rick Hall "And if the cat continues to annoy you, feel free to dump him in the washing machine and set it on spin cycle." - Jennifer Hall, on Feline Discipline "And it has a smiley. A SMILEY!!!!! DIE! DIE! THEY MUST ALL DIE!!!" - Chris McNeil "And they're _smart_ lesbians. The bastards." - Joseph Sutedja, wistful "And while Gonk may shield you, he has not the willpower to resist hentai!" "He's right, you know." - Talen and Cat-Gonk "Anything that is written to please the author is worthless." - Blaise Pascal "As an American, I'd like to apologize in advance for the next four years." - Joseph Sutedja "Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs." - John Osborne "Asobi wa owari da! Sakebe! Nake! Soshite, ShineeeEEEIIII!" - Iori Yagami "Atheism leads to hedonism and hedonism leads to narcissism and narcissism leads to onanism and onanism leads to catechism and catechism leads to Catholicism, so why bother?" - Jeffrey Johnson, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc "Bad shadow! Disagreeing with your master! Showing free will! No biscuit!" - Blade, correcting an erronous personality "Because sometimes there are better ways to interact with a woman than to satiate your libido." "I think you'll get kicked out of the Guy's Union for that, Bob." - Bob Macfie and Chris McNeil "Beware, evil - I'm armed to the teeth, and packing a hamster!" - Minsc "Change is _bad_, Bob. I mentioned the theory behind it a while ago. Remember? Furniture getting smarter?" "Yes, you did. But if your furniture gets smarter, that's just one more source of knowledge in your life." - Rick Hall and Bob Macfie "Damn. I love questions that expose our ignorance like a cranial saw and a pair of forceps." - Toby Martin, on the topic of Substitute. "Dan has it won folks! What an amazing move! Akuma's got to be in a world of hurt!" "Actually, I imagine he's got the mother of all paper cuts and is rather pissed." - Hiroshi and Daisuke, MTCFF ULTRA #40 "Darryn used it against me. "Wanker." - Turkeyphant, realising Steelix can't learn Psych Up "Darryn, pfft, 'world champion' - He still won't fight me because he knows I could beat him easily." - Dreadite "Death to Teddy Ruxpin! He's just a dancing hamster with pants!" - Belsammael "Didn't you know? Talen is 1/3 Vulcan. (The other two-thirds are Australian and sheep, respectively.)" - Torankusu-Kaiou "Dirt is pretty amazing stuff." - Bob Macfie "Do it. Kill him. Kill him now. Darwin would be proud." - Khendon, on natural selection and stupid employers "Do you feel proud of yourself, criminal?" - Jim Stanfield "Doctor Blight OWNS YOU." - Chris McNeil, on classic cartoon villains "Don't abuse yourself. That's my job." - Jason Heavensrun "Don't kill her. Just leave her totally bereft, so alone, so tiny, and so insignificant within herself... leave her _nothing_." - Arissa, on Cheerful Characters "DOWN WITH HUGGIES! LET'S FORM A LYNCH MOB AND TAR-AND- FEATHER THE PRESIDENT!!!" - Pokemaster5 "Drivel can come from any .com." - Danger X "Duckshit, the pantdevil stole my pencil." - Belsammael "EAT DIRT, EVERYBODY IN THE VICINITY! A-HAHAHAH!" - Earthworm Jim "Eeeek! Female present! Quick, assume politically correct posture!" - Chris McNeil "Egat! A gigantic mecha! I didn't see it sneaking up to me!" - Belsammael, possibly not being sarcastic "Ehhhh? don't tell me there's something politically incorrect or unsuitable for 12 yr olds about 'big bang attack'?" "No. It just sounds really, really stupid." - Kali and Blade, alt.fan.dragonball "Elekid or Pupurin over Soonansu makes Wobuffer angry..." - Jedah "Even when hope and science fail us, art survives." - Janet Maslin "Ever completed a major assignment... and then had a sensation of 'now what'?" "Indeed I have. I usually run into walls until I pass out." - The Rick and Joel Show "Every writer, without exception, is a masochist, a sadist, a peeping Tom, an exhibitionist, a narcissist, an injustice collector and a depressed person constantly haunted by fears of unproductivity." - Edmund Bergler "First off I'm not a Math of Physics major, but I can easily be one." "I'm both. Who cares?" - Ric and Miashara, rec.arts.anime.fandom "Flash had to be a joke with the female super heroes. According to lifestyle magazines, men average about 60 seconds in bed before they climax. That's probably bullshit, since it's about 10 minutes shorter than even the most honest man would ever admit to. But even if the 60 seconds crap was true, that would be 6000 years for the Flash, and that's too long to try to think about baseball." - seanbaby.com "Get me my lightsaber. It's the one that says, "Bad Ass Mother F*cker" on it." - Mike Ralls, on Samuel L. Jackson in Phantom Menace "Getting two people who semi-hate one another's guts to get along isn't really that _bad_ a thing to do." "Yes, if it were about getting them to not hate each other, but this is more like getting them to indulge in hedonistic sexual conduct with one another." "_Must_ you phrase it like that?" - Rick Hall and Jason Heavensrun "GOD DOES NOT EXIST!!!" "YES I DO!" - Talen and Belsammael "Great, just what I need, an overfriendly mouse." - Andrew K, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc "Haha! I know your name, I know where you live! I will now... well, I really can't do anything..." - Jim Stanfield "Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes." - John LeCarre "He was wronger than Wrong Jack McWrong, winner of last year's Mr Wrong competition." - gilmae "Hey, I'd take a girlfriend over a cable modem any da- wait, no I wouldn't." - Mirai Matt "How dare you apologise for that! I am offended!" - Belsammael "Howdy, Nerd-boy!" - Bun-Bun, Sluggy Freelance "Hypocrisy? No it's not. There is no good or evil." - Jedah "I _can_ say that talking to you is _much_ different from talking to a girl. Much, much, much different." - Joseph Sutedja, to Talen "I always felt like the Orz understood me a lot better than I understood them." - Yyy of the Gg "I always say the best way to deal with an enemy is to make 'em your friend. Then when they're over for dinner, get 'em in the eye with the salad fork..." - Joel "I am in possession of an orange. Does that mean that I should be referred to as 'Orange', or that it is LOGICAL _at all_ to refer to me as 'Orange'?" "Yes, Orange. Yes it is." "Gotcha, BeBox." - Jim Stanfield and Mirai Matt "I am not a snail. This is because there are two things I could be, one being a snail, and the other is not a snail, and since I am that thing which is not a snail, I am not a snail as the thing that is a snail is not the thing which I am." - Mojo Jojo Belsammael "I cannot bring up my children in a religion system where the authority system is based on the sizes of hats." - Dennis Leary, "Fuck the Pope" "I can't show you a lot of my new stuff tho." "Are you telling me I'm too young?" "_I'm_ too young, Jo." "_And_?" "It's Hentai, lad." "_And_?" - Rick Hall and Joseph Sutedja "I don't wanna choose between killing the Pope and a Senator... I wanna kill them both!" - Arissa "I had blonde hair, but I got better." - Leigh "I kill dumb people." - flaming cat, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc "I killed myself long ago; and let a shadow walk in my feet." - µ "I love you all..except you, you, and you, and ESPECIALLY YOU!" - Ryco "I still have my artillery gun, Talen. I shall deal with you once my arms are free." - Chris McNeil "I taught him everything he knows, then he went to the Dark Side and took his Steelix with him." - Dreadite, on Darryn "I think it's safe to suggest that there is no greater a celebrity then god, so I'm pretty sure he has the most fans. If you look at it this way, we ought to pity god, because he has to deal with more lunatic fanboys then anyone else in the known universe." - Largo, Megatokyo "I understand your opinion. I just don't care." - Jedah "I want my dinner loaf to have a spinal column. In fact, I want to have to snap it before I can really start eating" - Jamie, on regrettable meals "I want the person who put the newts on this continent to own up right now." - Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully "I want to beat the crap out of his inner child..." - Joel "I." - Mr. Imisides, explaining himself "If Shmuck was running for president, I'd vote for him. Because he'd do the same for me. "And I'll need that security when my plans finally come to fruition..." - Ed Whitmore "If skating is EXTREEEEME! and hockey isn't, then why don't we ever see Brian Boitano wearing a face mask and shin guards?" - Randy Golden, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc "If you can read this, my wife fell off." - Seen on the back of a riding jacket "I'll get back to you, my secretary just exploded." - Torg, Sluggy Freelance "I'm Australian. Any american location is automatically 'someplace'." - Talen "I'm guessing Scott doesn't get much of an outfit _at all_." "You're bad." "Your point?" - Rick Hall and Kate Malloy "I'm not going either way since FRANKLY I LIKE THE SHEEP BITCHES." - µ, a New Zealander and God "I'm starting to sound like perverted version of the tooth fairy..." - Fox Lee "Ingredients: Rice Vinegar" - Seen on a bottle of Rice Vinegar "It is my destiny to save the world, as the cookie told, and I DO IT ALL FOR THE COOKIE!" - Dan Hibiki "It turns out that in today's society the most evil of all crimes is no longer the taking of someone else's life, instead it is the villainous act of making other people feel uncomfortable." - Largo "I've registered SOONANSU as my Wobbuffet. "I WIN." "YOU SUCK. WOBUFFER IS GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS, BECAUSE WOBUFFER DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS REGISTERING BUSINESS UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE. "NOW WOBUFFER WILL HAVE TO REGISTER HIS AS KURIRIN." - Talen and Jedah "Look, quit trying to beat up Goku. It's not going to happen. It's boring and pointless. Can't we have a fight thread WITHOUT turtle-boy turning up?" "Monkey-boy." - Rick Hall and David Johnston "Milk plus urine equals science experiment?" "Anything plus urine equals a science experiment. 'Sure, it's just an ordinary boring cold fusion reactor, but if we add URINE...!'" - fionn and Talen "Missa Rissa and Talen will presumably live forever--probably because one's too nice so that no one wishes her any harm, and the other, presumably coz no psycho is dumb enough to approach a house that's got a chalk outline on the front step." - Nibun Yuri, on immortality "Mu, can you send some weed over? It's just that board pens and Olbas Oil aren't strong enough for me..." "No, there's the small niggly thing about it being illegal in both countries and customs would probably make a big deal about it." - Turkeyphant and µ "No matter what anyone tells you, words and ideas can change the world." - Dr. Keating, Dead Poets Society "No, I'm not okay! I've been smacked in the head by a crazy woman, a giant spatula, and a mithril shovel!" - Jo Heavensrun, GRIT "No, you see, in a perfect world stupid people get executed when I find out about them, by me. It reduces my stress level, gives me a good job, AND we don't have to worry about those sorts of problems." - Chris McNeil, on Stupid People "No. No wrath... today... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" - Jim Stanfield "Not everyone in this country wears high heels and bras! Like my sister, for instance." - Steven Cooke, on Canada "Not everyone is created equal anymore. The real, underlying fundamental shift is that in our world, nobody is so strong or so skilled or so clever that he can by himself overcome more than a couple of other people. There is nobody so superior that they are considered above all other humans." - Chris McNeil "Not much. Any ideas on how to go about writing the fic?" "Er, I'd assume we'd string words together into cohesive sentences?" - Jason Heavensrun and Rick Hall "Not really. Backwards, it's... OH, IT IS!" - Nibun Yuri "Now, Gokuh's power level has reached roughly 4,921,245,503,000,000,000,000,000: enough to destroy a very large chunk of the universe, and possibly even the entirety of Cartman's ass." - AnDesha "Oh my GOD! Goten just hocked up a loogie! I have NEVER, in my thousands of years, seen a loogie of that magnificence! I could NEVER match a loogie like that!" - Chris McNeil, impersonating Kaioshin "Oh, good. I now have four years to find an acceptable bakery." "In Canada? Some luck, buster." "Hey, what do you think this is - England?" - Bob Macfie and Talen "Oh, yes, I mean, I read Hot Male Sweaty Bodies Monthly... for the articles, of course." "They have articles too? cool!" - Talen and Belsammael, hiding porno "Okay folks, raise your hand if you didn't see this coming." "I didn't! But then again, I'm drunk!" - Riff and Torg, Sluggy Freelance "Old Godzilla know Kung-Fu. What does New Godzilla know?" "How to bend at the waist?" - Richard Noonan and David Johnston "One can write the formula for a working cold fusion reactor on the door of a bathroom stall of Memorial University of Newfoundland, and within a day the critical review by readers will degenerate into an endless cycle of 'Stupid Bayman,' and 'Stupid Townie'." - Bob Macfie "Oohhhhh... Gainaxy!" - Jon 'O-Jin' Rowbottom "Pity you're too young to see it all..." "Pity I don't care, neh" "True enough." "Doesn't take much to quell your conscience, does it?" - The Rick and Joel Show "PSSSSYyyyyyyyyyyccccccccHHHHHOoooooooooooooo CRUSSSHHHHHHHEEEErrrrrrrrrrr!" - _Q_, master of the nonsequiter "Real seriousness in regard to writing is one of the two absolute necessities. The other, unfortunately, is talent." - Ernest Hemingway "Reality leaves a lot to the imagination." - John Lennon "Rejecting the open hand of friendship from the lily-white paladin Ranma! Stone him! Stone him!" - Chris McNeil "Respect the language, it can bring you respect." - Anand Chelian "Ruby Eye Shabranigdu is not a demon nor a king, but is nicknamed as a demon king despite what Talen says or will say now:" "He's bad-ass." "... well, that too." - Belsammael and Talen, fanboycizing "See any pink elephants yet, talen?" "I can see a snail in denial." "Watashi wa nameku dewa arimasen!!!" - Belsammael and Talen "See? That's what happens when you're famous. Some idiot shoots you." - John Lennon, upon hearing of the Kennedy assassination "Semantics on flashes? It's not a flash if you don't show *all* of your tackle. Yep, Darth Vader and *both* stormtroopers." - gilmae and technicalities "Shabub nadiach shadrach nidji hai nabub pratoris!" - Bob Macfie